The (Really Big) Secret to Keeping Your Cool

Sooner or later everyone gets angry. But, what causes us to ‘lose it?’ And what can we do to react calmly and effectively to any circumstance?

Anger is always in response to some perceived threat to survival. It can be physical but as often as not it is an emotional threat.

Often, irritable people are acutely ill, in chronic pain, or simply suffering from a bad hangover. What do these people share? They are all under internal physical assault. At a cellular level, there is the sense of imminent danger – and rightly so. When the body is fighting toxins from medication or from something as commonplace as too much to drink last night, that can be a source of feeling threatened.  In the same way, pain, acute or chronic, at the level of consciousness or under the threshold of consciousness, can also precipitate a short-temper.

Most relationship issues result from misunderstandings that lead to angry arguments,

hard feelings, and more misunderstanding. These outbursts also arise from perceived threats, usually emotional. Specifically, these are assaults on our beliefs about who we are, who we see ourselves to be, and who we are afraid that we are not.

 As children, we make many decisions about who we are, generally without much social sophistication. These decisions may have no basis in reality but, once made, become hard-core personal belief systems.

 For example, an older child, expected to be responsible and co-operative, may conclude “I’m not important enough to be loved.” The child will then spend a lifetime trying to be ‘important enough’, perhaps by taking care of others, excelling in school, and more, just to be worthy of notice and love.

It never works. When you are ‘not important enough’ to be loved, nothing, not the greatest love in the world will convince you otherwise. As an adult, this can cause serious blow ups when a spouse forgets an anniversary, buys an afterthought gift, or chooses to play golf instead of spending time with his/her partner. Any action that gets interpreted as “I’m not important enough to be loved” can trigger an emotional outburst that seems out of proportion to the offense. That, of course, can signal the opening for a whole series of insults and angry exchanges as both parties get their buttons pushed.

Is there a solution? Yes, though not an afternoon miracle. The real work is

to reflect deeply and discover the decisions and beliefs we formed in childhood and how these have affected our behavior. It takes compassion for the frailty of the child we were, and honesty about the present. While it isn’t possible to force a change in our make up, coming to know ourselves lessens the likelihood that any perceived threat will cause us to react involuntarily.

With practice we can hear the incoming ‘offensive’ remark, catch the automatic reaction, and even choose to do something other than fight, freeze, or flee.

Working with anger, or any split-second automatic response requires patience and love for your own inner child. I will have more to say on this topic and welcome your remarks and comments. You can post them on my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/centerofintention. Or email me at dregli@centerofintention.com.