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Boundaries

Speaking the Truth: Recognizing & Agreeing to Reality

20. June, 2017Boundaries, Spiritual HealingNo comments

speaking the truth When you are upset, about anything, you are not in truth. When you are angry, ranting, yelling, you are not in truth. You are fighting what’s so and what’s so is the truth – reality. Recognizing reality relieves misery and brings peace. Not necessarily the outcome you prefer, but clarity and calm. Frenzied angry actions are not behaviors consistent with reality.

A personal example here. A good friend forgot the birthday of her son’s wife. She paid a big price for this. Her daughter-in-law made it clear that she was hurt, barely acknowledged the generous makeup gift, and then stopped communicating with her mother-in-law. My friend felt terrible but made the excuse for herself that so much else was going on. She had also forgotten two other birthdays, both close friends, in the same month. Telling me this, she paused thoughtfully and said, “If truth be told I don’t know if I like my daughter-in-law very much. Perhaps that also played a part.”

finding the truthWe considered what she said and were quiet. All the rest was also accurate but here she hit the bullseye: her part in what happened. Once acknowledged, nothing else was needed. She didn’t have to confess in public view or beg her daughter-in-law’s forgiveness. After speaking the truth and divulging her secret my friend went on to talk about the ways in which she also appreciates her daughter-in-law. Not contrived, natural, and just as true as the bits she doesn’t like. With truth is freedom.

As for the daughter-in-law, she too has a personal piece of truth to discover, likely related to her life experience. Her indignation belongs to her.

This sort of experience occurs for all of us. Some minor event provokes us out of proportion to what happened. I used to be irritated and ashamed when a client would ‘no-show’ without canceling an appointment. I felt disrespected. Reality check: the issue was mine, mired in the small child who never felt good enough. The other reality is that a client’s no-show is for their reasons. Perhaps they really are rejecting me but that is their business, not mine. My part was learning why it upset me and dealing with that. While I still don’t like a no-show, it no longer has the same effect.

set a boundaryA few weeks ago, I was irritated with my brother because I said ‘yes’ when I should have said ‘no.’ I felt he was imposing even to make his request. Reality check: It had nothing to do with him, it was all about me and my own inability to set a boundary. After carrying a pit in my stomach for a few days I called and changed my ‘yes’ to a ‘no.’ He didn’t mind at all. (So much for blaming him.)

External battles, focused on someone else’s shortcomings, are the wrong fight. They distract us from the right battle which is the one where we must look at ourselves to discover the heart of the matter. Byron Katie says, “All war belongs on paper.” By that, she means a structured written form of self-examination she designed to lead us to the truth, always about ourselves.

willingness to recognize our partReality doesn’t demand that we like it. Reality has no feelings. Reality is fine if we work to change it when it can be changed. And whether, or not, it can be changed, peace emerges when we agree to what’s so. Agreement often rests on the willingness to recognize our part – what’s really going on for us.

agreeing to realitySometimes the hardest places to come to reality occur when we lose someone we love. I suggest that even then, we have a piece in the matter. Whether it is feeling we should have done more and loved them better or a refusal to agree to the cycle of life and death, we have a part that we play.

The business of agreeing to reality is true on every level, including societal. If every politician, citizen, and non-citizen did this, we could perhaps come to communicate, compromise, and a better outcome for all of us. If you are fighting, anytime you are fighting, stop and look within. When you come to rest you are on to something big.

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If you’re looking for spiritual guidance in Scottsdale, reach out and contact Dr. Sandra Egli at Center of Intention to start your holistic journey. Call 480-582-3374 today!

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17. October, 2016Blog Posts, Boundaries, Spiritual HealingNo comments

Setting Spiritual BoundariesWe have a tendency to believe that if we love enough if we are enlightened, then

setting spiritual boundaries are not necessary. It isn’t true. In this material universe, everything is defined by separation. Our bodies, our thoughts, carpets and chairs all have some dividing line to define inside and out. These demarcations let us be ourselves and the chair be a chair. Read more

Healthy Anger: A More Productive Way To Handle Anger

18. March, 2013Anger, Blog Posts, Boundaries, Relationships, UncategorizedNo comments

No human emotion is so reviled or misunderstood as anger. Anger is miserable. We believe we are wrong to be angry and we push the experience away. “If only I were more enlightened. I should be kind. I don’t want to be this angry person. It’s not who I am.” Is there such a thing as healthy anger?

Your anger is energy and it serves a purpose, sometimes life-saving and other times spiritual. Consider Elaine who lives with her verbally mean and unfaithful boyfriend, Ron. She is upset with herself for being angry. “I know I need to leave but, until I do there’s no need to be nasty to him. I shouldn’t let my temper get the better of me. I feel guilty when I yell.”

In fact, Elaine’s ill temper is her ally. It puts her in touch with her strength and the real truth of who she is. Her indignation at the way she is treated spurs her to find an apartment of her own even though money is tight.

Yes, Elaine carries a childhood wound that led her to choose Ron. Behind her choice was the longing to recreate the old circumstances and this time emerge victorious. This time the abuser (read, ‘parent’) would realize his love for her and demonstrate kindness and affection.

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Setting Healthy Boundaries

11. June, 2012Blog Posts, Boundaries, RelationshipsNo comments

Setting Healthy Boundaries

When adults complain they can’t say “No,” the next remark is often, “I need stronger boundaries.” Yet, setting healthy boundaries can be an elusive goal. Another perspective on this may help.

For an adult the inability to say no comes down to guilt and shame, often false guilt and false shame. Consider a simple example: houseguests, perhaps unwanted in the first place, who overstay their welcome, never pitch in, expect free meals and laundry service, then announce their plans to return next year. Why would any host or hostess put up with this? The answer is guilt and shame.

The internal conversation may sound something like this: “If you say anything you look like a shrew. They’ll never speak to you again. They’ll say you treated them horribly. You’ll create a terrible rift in the family. It’s up to you to take the high road.”

This guilt is false. Yes, these concerns may come true. These houseguests may never speak to you again and they may create a family fuss. But this guilt is a ‘red herring’ and hides a deeper self attack.

Read more

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Mindfulness

Meditation: Sandra Egli
Music: Torey Ronhovde

The wisdom of a thousand generations guides you today. Only listen. Without a sound their voices reverberate in your cells. Settle within and choose your path.

All of us come from strength, fortitude, perseverance. No matter how difficult their lives, our ancestors made it through and passed on life for the next generation. Over and over, until it came to you. The intelligence that guided them has also come to you.


To Thine own Self be true.

If I could present you with a single blessing, it would be the gift of Mindfulness. Awareness of yourself: body, emotions, and self-talk, all the time. Our immediate experience is the ultimate exploration that only grows richer with time. What we do or don't do, and the roots of our behavior, are accessible with the simple practice of noticing immediate experience. It is this practice that makes it possible to know and be true to ourselves.

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