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Relationships

Experience the Benefits of Meditation: Remove Fear & Gain Trust

9. September, 2014Healing Articles, Meditation, RelationshipsNo comments

benefits-of-meditationThere are many forms and purposes of meditation. This is the most powerful I have encountered. It will reveal yourself and your life to you. It will unlock what has held you back from happiness and enable you to fulfill your potential.

This is a reflective meditation to be practiced over time, with patience and trust. It is it not intended to take you into bliss. It calls on the higher powers of ourselves and of the universe and the first places you will enter will as likely be those of sorrow.

What holds us back from the elusive dream of reaching our full potential?

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4 Steps To Help You Let Go Of Anger And Chill Out

5. August, 2014Anger, Blog Posts, RelationshipsNo comments

let go of angerWe all get hot under the collar sometimes. After the fact we are often unhappy, even highly self-critical with ourselves about the display. We want to think of ourselves as ‘enlightened’ and not subject to pique and much less an irrational outburst. So here are 4 simple steps to let go of anger and chill out.

“You’re Working Overtime This Weekend… Again?”

For the purpose of this discussion, let’s consider a straight forward situation: Your partner/spouse/lover is working overtime (again) this weekend.

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Curiosity can lead to Healthy Relationships and Greater Intimacy

20. May, 2014Blog Posts, RelationshipsNo comments

Thoughtful woman 20907009_blogHonest curiosity can lead to healthy relationships and greater intimacy with yourself and others. This kind of curiosity can be intimidating and scary. It starts with asking yourself, “Why do I do what I do? Really and truly, beyond the obvious reasons, why? And why does my partner do what he does? What drives his actions at a deeper level?’

One couple argued because the woman wanted her partner to take more initiative with maintenance jobs around the house. He did not and balked at undertaking even minor repairs. At first glance, both were being stubborn and wanted to dominate the situation. While that may have been accurate there was more to the story.

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How Can I Be Happy No Matter What

15. April, 2014Anxiety, Blog Posts, Relationships, UncategorizedNo comments

How can I be happy? Or, happier? Last week was great but how can I be happy with what’s happening now?

Life isn’t always easy and whether we ask these questions, most of us face challenges and stress that can suck the ‘happy’ out of life. This article is about the relationship between attention and happiness.

  “Attention is the most basic form of love; through it we bless and are blessed.”

John Tarrant, The Light Inside the Dark

I was stretching in the living room. My husband was reading in the kitchen. He said something. In separate rooms, our backs to one another I couldn’t make out his words. Why, I wondered, does he think I can hear him in the next room? I felt a snarky remark coming on. Instead, I walked over to sit with him. It was love that called to me. My listening is one of the ways I love him and it makes me happy.

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How To Embrace Love: Remove the Anxiety and Make Love Easy

16. April, 2013Anxiety, Blog Posts, RelationshipsNo comments

The pouting models in stylish advertisements look ‘cool.’ They do not look like people who would be easy or fun to love. Yet, their demeanor is admired and imitated by teens. Adults are also expert at stonewalling their feelings and acting smug. But these behaviors push people away. You will be easy to love when you learn how to embrace love. To do this you must look at why you withhold yourself and act as though you do not care.

We push people away because we are ashamed to need their love and embarrassed to love them with abandon. To some extent all of us are privately ashamed of our longing to love and be loved.

As children we size up the world, reach (often mistaken) conclusions and make decisions that hold us back from fully expressing ourselves. These inhibitions prevent us from reaching our true potential in many ways, especially when it comes to love.

Parents bring the distortions of their own experience to parenting. Loving their children doesn’t mean they are able to fully or freely express their feelings. The example I give here centers on a father and his son but this behavior isn’t about men. For every Hard-Nose Harry there is a Critical Chrissy, a Withdrawn Walter, and a Haughty Hannah. And, while the example is straightforward, life and individuals are complex. In some manner and to varying degrees, we all display these behaviors.

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Healthy Anger: A More Productive Way To Handle Anger

18. March, 2013Anger, Blog Posts, Boundaries, Relationships, UncategorizedNo comments

No human emotion is so reviled or misunderstood as anger. Anger is miserable. We believe we are wrong to be angry and we push the experience away. “If only I were more enlightened. I should be kind. I don’t want to be this angry person. It’s not who I am.” Is there such a thing as healthy anger?

Your anger is energy and it serves a purpose, sometimes life-saving and other times spiritual. Consider Elaine who lives with her verbally mean and unfaithful boyfriend, Ron. She is upset with herself for being angry. “I know I need to leave but, until I do there’s no need to be nasty to him. I shouldn’t let my temper get the better of me. I feel guilty when I yell.”

In fact, Elaine’s ill temper is her ally. It puts her in touch with her strength and the real truth of who she is. Her indignation at the way she is treated spurs her to find an apartment of her own even though money is tight.

Yes, Elaine carries a childhood wound that led her to choose Ron. Behind her choice was the longing to recreate the old circumstances and this time emerge victorious. This time the abuser (read, ‘parent’) would realize his love for her and demonstrate kindness and affection.

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The Four Steps to Stop Recreating Childhood Suffering and Pain

12. February, 2013Anger, Blog Posts, Healing Articles, RelationshipsNo comments

Most of our chronic upsets, when stripped of the story, are the recreations of hurts and pain, unresolved from childhood. Sometimes we are aware but often don’t realize that the unhappy aspects of our lives today are a reenactment from the past. The good news is that we can put a stop to this kind of suffering.

What is occurring is that we are reenacting the places in our childhood where we longed for some expression of love that we never received. This doesn’t mean our parents didn’t love us. Though imperfect, most parents love their children. Rather, there was some reassurance of love that you wanted from them, again and again, and they didn’t come through. This failure on their part is not the end of the world and doesn’t consign you to a life of misery. (This is good news for parents and children everywhere.)

Consider this insight shared with me recently. A friend, Sarah, was mourning the loss of a beloved pet. She called her mother, cried, and shared her feelings. Her mother’s response: “Really, dear, you shouldn’t cry. So many people have far worse problems than this one.” In that moment Sarah remembered how her feelings had been repeatedly dismissed as a child. “I learned that my feelings didn’t count and I should always put on a happy face.”

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New Year’s Resolution: Get A Ninja Mantra

31. December, 2012Blog Posts, Healing Articles, Relationships, UncategorizedNo comments

For his New Year’s Resolution, one friend is using affirmations to set and hold a positive frame of mind. He feels he has a negative mindset ingrained in his thinking since childhood and is committed to controlling his thoughts. He believes this is the way to accomplish his goals.

We were discussing this approach in contrast to Acceptance: not judging what happens as either good or bad. He questions whether Acceptance is simply resigning to what the universe dishes out and to our own worst habits.

Acceptance is the capacity to look at ‘what is happening’ as only ‘what is happening.’ In Acceptance we may be happy or not about what occurs but we are able to remain conscious of our experience without resisting, defending or denying.

The inability to accept what is happening is all about control. We think it is up to us to create and manage our lives. If we don’t like something we try to force something else to happen. This is why we make New Year’s Resolutions. However, affirmations and resolutions are often a rejection of reality and our selves.

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Do I Belong?

14. November, 2012Blog Posts, Relationships, UncategorizedNo comments

 

For many people the promise of Thanksgiving is that we have a place (often, family) where we belong and that we are accepted and loved. The corresponding dread we feel is that the promise will not be kept. That once again we will be judged and found not good enough. We will leave the celebration feeling isolated, with the nagging sense that we don’t really belong.

There are always rules for belonging. We learn them early in life. The first set of rules is just what keeps our parents happy with us. We also learn our place, how we fit in with them, our siblings, and extended family. These patterns become a template for our future relationships. They affect not just the one-to-one interactions we develop later in life, but also how we relate to groups, whether social, professional, or church. The effect is subtle but pervades our lives.

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How Can I Get What I Want?

8. October, 2012Anger, Relationships, UncategorizedNo comments

It is a common belief that we have the capacity to manifest our desires. But how does this work? How can I get what I want? If I can, why don’t I have it? What if I want to be wealthy? Or beautiful? What about a designer handbag? Is that selfish?

These questions demonstrate the confusion and mixed feelings we have about achieving our dreams. The universe is filled with all things good and there is nothing wrong with our desires – so long as we are reaching for the good that is the essence of the object.

For example, most of us would like to be financially secure, even wealthy. It isn’t selfish to want wealth for the ease and pleasure that it brings. Clothes, home, or vacations, are all intrinsically good. The motive turns sour when we want these things in order to show off, feel superior, or compensate for our feelings of inadequacy.

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Mindfulness

Meditation: Sandra Egli
Music: Torey Ronhovde

The wisdom of a thousand generations guides you today. Only listen. Without a sound their voices reverberate in your cells. Settle within and choose your path.

All of us come from strength, fortitude, perseverance. No matter how difficult their lives, our ancestors made it through and passed on life for the next generation. Over and over, until it came to you. The intelligence that guided them has also come to you.


To Thine own Self be true.

If I could present you with a single blessing, it would be the gift of Mindfulness. Awareness of yourself: body, emotions, and self-talk, all the time. Our immediate experience is the ultimate exploration that only grows richer with time. What we do or don't do, and the roots of our behavior, are accessible with the simple practice of noticing immediate experience. It is this practice that makes it possible to know and be true to ourselves.

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Sandra's graceful way of listening & non-judgmental demeanor allowed me to open up effortlessly. I was certain, as I left her office, that I had received precisely the healing I needed.

Female client, age 44
Phoenix, Arizona