Belonging and the Family
Sentient beings share the instinct for survival. On our own, however, we cannot survive. Relationship is the underpinning that assures survival, from newborns to the elderly.
Babies are cared for because they are ‘like us’. With the same DNA, parents find themselves instantly in relationship to their children. When parents fail to bond, the safety of the child is in grave danger.
For survival, therefore, the ego’s impetus is to ‘belong’. We belong when it is clear to everyone that we have an equal right to whatever nourishment and protection the family can afford.
How do we assure our membership?
As newborns, the status of member-in-good-standing relies less on our behavior and more on the ability of our parents to accept us. As toddlers, children, and young adults, our membership becomes increasingly dependent on adhering to the rules and customs of the family.
Consider a 7 year old who steals a candy bar at the grocery checkout. When mom discovers the transgression, if she admonishes her child and has him return the candy bar with a confession to the clerk, it’s a simple lesson that says, “In this family, members don’t steal.”
Conscience
Thus is conscience born. Conscience is not an inborn universal moral code. Conscience lets us know for each and every action we take (or just consider taking) whether that action will strengthen our membership or put it at risk. Feeling self-righteous or guilty is not a function of the rightness or wrong-ness of an action. It is a sign that the action adheres to or violates a guideline of behavior in our group.
Equal Status
In a healthy family, everyone born into the family belongs fully and equally with every other member. This is true even if a child continually violates family proscriptions. The thief is as much a member as the surgeon. Healthy families understand this. In others, individual children may never be treated as a full member, or the rules for their ‘belonging’ destroy their opportunity to flourish.
A simple example is the family that says, “You aren’t one of us if you are gay.” Or a second wife who says (aloud or in her heart) to her stepchildren, “You don’t belong here, go away.”
Another example is the half-sibling who says, “My dad had other children but they aren’t part of our family.” These children belong though they may not share both the same parents. A great deal of damage is done when the ‘second’ family denies the first and treats earlier children as though they are ‘second-class’.
Adoption
Adoption also calls for caution and, especially, for great respect for the biological family. Children belong to their biological family and that cannot be denied. Moreover, whatever the reasons the biological parents gave up the child, they have sacrificed to the benefit of the adoptive parents. For this alone, the adoptive parents owe the biological parents respect.
Adoptive parents do great harm when they believe that through adoption they become the parents of their adopted child. In fact, they become caregivers, nurturers, teachers, but never are they the parents. It is better if adopted children can know their true parents and have access to them. Adopting a child without acknowledging their origin robs a child of his soul.
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