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We each have someone. Someone we love who can’t seem to get his/her life together. Hold down a job. Drink less. Stop using drugs. A child, sibling, friend, unable to function effectively in the world. We want their lives to go well. We want their lives to work according to our hopes for them. When that doesn’t happen, we hurt for them and for ourselves. Sometimes we get angry. Cut them off. That hurts, too.

Beyond the pain and the struggle not to support their dysfunction, what can we do? What will help them and what will alleviate my pain? Often, we try to manipulate their lives into a pretty picture as much for our own peace of mind as for their happiness.

When we think we know what that person should do, it is tempting to get pushy or demanding. We try forcing our standards of living on them. In truth, we don’t know the purpose or the arc of another’s life whether they are daughter, sibling, or friend. We don’t know what is in our own best interests, much less in theirs.

 

Letting Go of My Expectations for Someone Else

How do I let go of my expectations for another person’s life? And what about my own pain and suffering?

The first step is recognizing that ‘I don’t know what is right for this person.’ When I don’t know, I must sit with that least-loved and best friend, the Unknown. To do that, I will naturally withdraw my energetic tentacles from the outer picture and pull back into my own body. Then, I can trust that the true picture is much bigger than I can perceive. From the vantage point within myself I watch without interfering. I become a witness. An observer. I can now behold what is meant to happen.

To truly behold another is a divine gift to both of us. It is to see the person in their grace and divinity. Humanly, this isn’t possible. I cannot behold another when I’m convinced I know what that person’s life should be like. Nor can I stand in the space of my own hurt, my wound, my ‘need’ for this person to behave differently than they do. It is the Divine within me that recognizes and receives the Divinity of another. As though someone I am so happy to see has arrived at my door. To look, in front of me, and behold a Divine Creation, a Divine Creature.

The Space of Healing

My work from a human perspective is to rest and trust. To hold the space that I don’t know the truth of who this person is. This is the space of healing. It heals the other person, me, everyone with whom I have contact, the entire world.

This isn’t about enabling another person positively or negatively. It isn’t about whether I am my brother’s keeper, paying his bills, or getting him to the dentist. It isn’t about whether I tolerate my daughter’s disrespect or take care of an elderly abusive parent. When I grapple with the unknown as Unknown, my actions and inactions will emerge from deeper guidance. Following guidance, we are more likely to empower a person to care for themselves as much as they are able and show respect for those who help them. But it isn’t a guarantee and that would be a mistaken and misguided motivation for anything we do.

Perhaps the difficult people in our lives are here not so much for their karma as for ours. Not so much for their personal salvation, as for our salvation and perhaps the world. If I can hold this conscious awareness of the Divine-Within for each person I meet through the day, my life at least would transform. If I could hold this for everyone who disagrees with my political perspective, my life will transform. If I can behold the Grace of the one I love, he will not necessarily quit drinking or shooting up, yet I can go on loving him – and who knows what could come from that before we die.

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If you’re looking for support as you navigate important relationships in your life, contact Dr. Sandra Egli at Center of Intention. Call 480-582-3374 today!

 

 

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Mindfulness

Meditation: Sandra Egli
Music: Torey Ronhovde

The wisdom of a thousand generations guides you today. Only listen. Without a sound their voices reverberate in your cells. Settle within and choose your path.

All of us come from strength, fortitude, perseverance. No matter how difficult their lives, our ancestors made it through and passed on life for the next generation. Over and over, until it came to you. The intelligence that guided them has also come to you.


To Thine own Self be true.

If I could present you with a single blessing, it would be the gift of Mindfulness. Awareness of yourself: body, emotions, and self-talk, all the time. Our immediate experience is the ultimate exploration that only grows richer with time. What we do or don't do, and the roots of our behavior, are accessible with the simple practice of noticing immediate experience. It is this practice that makes it possible to know and be true to ourselves.

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Sandra's graceful way of listening & non-judgmental demeanor allowed me to open up effortlessly. I was certain, as I left her office, that I had received precisely the healing I needed.

Female client, age 44
Phoenix, Arizona

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