We know the heart of love is the love we have for ourselves. Yet, we turn our attention to someone else expecting them to make us feel loved. We want to be assured of our worth through the eyes of another. Being loved sounds easy – and we think we’ll know it when we get it. But, to quote an old song, ‘It ain’t necessarily so.’ We can be loved, often we are loved, and we never know.
How can this be? How can anyone be blind to love? It happens quietly and quickly: When we have demands about how our partner(s) should be, we are already on the judge’s bench to pass sentence.
A friend of mine put this in practical terms. He said, “Maybe I could listen better to my wife if I gave up my expectations. When I have expectations about what she should say my body is tense. My shoulders and my jaws tighten up. My tension repulses happiness.”
He couldn’t have said it more concisely. Relaxation induces happiness. Tension has the opposite effect. It avoids feeling. How can I experience the priceless gift of love when I rebuff the very expression of this person? When I relax, trusting that what my partner says is of value and worth considerate listening, I can receive not just their words but the underlying good intention, and their love.
My relationship with God is the same. When I insist that God/Reality express Itself only in ways with which I agree, my disapproval creates rejection. I can no longer see or rest in the magnificence of the-world-as-it-is. If I am willing to trust that God’s business belongs solely to God then, although I may not understand, I can relax and receive the beneficence of God and Its Universe.
An aspect of this is guilt. How can I appreciate my personal good fortune when others are suffering? What do I do with my joy? Can I reconcile my happiness with a world in pain?
When it comes to self-love, this principle is significant in my relationship with myself. My own judgments, relentless expectations, and self-criticism when I fall short have the same result. I experience the tension of self-rejection and -disgust. What would life outside the vicious cycle of self-condemnation be like? What would be the level of my happiness if I stopped berating myself for my forgetfulness, my lapses in self-discipline, my occasional outbursts of irritation? Who would I be on the inside if I didn’t spend all my time evaluating my worth? Would I catch a glimpse of my own light? Would I personally experience what it means to love myself? Could this be the reality of heaven on earth?
In January, 2012, the Center of Intention began offering a class to set you free from the internal judgments that prevent you from living life spontaneously and to the fullest. The class is practical and the process is accessible. If you would like to learn more about letting go of your own self-criticism either in a group of like-minded individuals or in a private setting, contact Sandra Egli, Th.D. at 480-582-3374 or dregli@gmail.com.
