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how to stop judging yourself

The inner critic with whom we all live has the black and white thinking of a child. And, like a child, is despotic and illogical. She has an opinion on everything you do or don’t and is frequently contradictory.

“You should get more sleep.” “You should get up earlier.” “You should get out more with friends.” “You are much too social.”

There is a reason for this contradictory behavior. Your inner critic is most likely a child, generally quite young, perhaps 3 to 5 years old. Children emulate their authority figures and learn to regulate themselves with internal self-direction. All of that is good as the research will tell you. Children who master self-control early in life are more likely to be healthy, do well academically, and be financially secure later in life. This can be a great benefit in how to stop judging yourself and move in a positive direction in your life.

The downside of this is that the internal self-disciplinary voice becomes a Little King/Queen who becomes a dictator. As we mature, he/she does not. This bit of child consciousness remains frozen and continues issuing orders no matter how old you are.

How To Stop Judging Yourself Too Harshly

In an earlier blog I shared an exercise to get to know this inner dictator. That process is critical. You can’t take him down until you know his army and arsenal. As you gain familiarity with his pronouncements and demands you will be able to catch him when he attacks. You can then mount an effective campaign to end his reign.

tips to stop judging yourself

In my experience the judge is young. A good strategy is to treat him as you would any young worry wart or control freak. You might reassure him.“It’s ok. I can handle this,” “Leave it to me, I know what I’m doing,” “It’s not your job to worry.” You can really sink into the role play by wrapping your arms around yourself and rocking back and forth just as you might do with a frightened child. Remember, the purpose is to reassure the child who still lives within you.

ways to stop judging yourself

This assumes your voice is the voice of a child. Perhaps your judge sounds more like your spiteful stepmother or sadistic grandmother. In that case, alternate responses are completely appropriate. You can choose to draw yourself up to full adult height and tell the offending judge, “You don’t talk to me like that! Get out of my life right now!” Or, “You leave her alone! You’re messing with me now! Pick on somebody your own size!” In short, whatever is right to break through and stop the attack. Above all else, don’t get caught in an argument with the internal judge. He loves to fight and he never quits for long.

Especially in cases of abuse I believe it is important to stand up for yourself against the negative memories and internal dialogue. It is a matter of taking back your life force from the bigger people who once harmed you. You are saying, “I’m powerful now. Get out of my way.”

In the final analysis I suspect that most negative self-thinking was internalized and is meted out by a young consciousness. Therefore, I believe in treating the judge with kindness. As anyone who was ever taught by an unkindly critical teacher can tell you, it doesn’t enhance your ability to learn. More likely you freeze and shut down.

smart ways to stop judging yourself

Judgement is a two way thoroughfare. We feel judged by others as well as ourselves. In turn we are judgmental not just of ourselves but of others. Negative self-talk and assessments are mimicked in our speaking whether or not we intend consciously to criticize other people. Friends and loved ones hear and feel the underlying innuendo that they have fallen short in your estimation. This can precipitate self-defense, counterattacks and full on arguments.

treating yourself with compassion

Treating your judge kindly is treating yourself with compassion. In turn, that will show in a natural compassion for others. Kindness and compassion toward others creates that precious commodity we call love.


Are you looking for Scottsdale spiritual healing coach? Contact Dr. Sandra Egli and learn more about her spiritual healing services or book an appointment online now.

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Meditation: Sandra Egli
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The wisdom of a thousand generations guides you today. Only listen. Without a sound their voices reverberate in your cells. Settle within and choose your path.

All of us come from strength, fortitude, perseverance. No matter how difficult their lives, our ancestors made it through and passed on life for the next generation. Over and over, until it came to you. The intelligence that guided them has also come to you.

To Thine own Self be true.

If I could present you with a single blessing, it would be the gift of Mindfulness. Awareness of yourself: body, emotions, and self-talk, all the time. Our immediate experience is the ultimate exploration that only grows richer with time. What we do or don't do, and the roots of our behavior, are accessible with the simple practice of noticing immediate experience. It is this practice that makes it possible to know and be true to ourselves.


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